~ Aesthetic Purity ~

June 12, 2021

We all change to some extent. The degree of the change differs but I have found myself facing a problem over the past few years, as I’ve slowly figured out who I am and what kind a of person I want to be going forward. And I doubt that I’m the only one.

Aesthetics matter to a lot of us. We try to present ourselves in the way we want other people to percieve us and that can inform their interactions - leading to a material change in our lives based purely on how we express ourselves. Part of how we paint that aesthetic is how much of our journey we make visible to the outside observer. None of us emerged fully formed and only a few had the luxuary of truly knowing who we were before presenting ourselves to the world.

How much of this do we leave exposed to those around us? How much of it do we bury?

I’m 22 now, still young, still on a journey - but I feel like I’m getting close to that goal of knowing who I am and who I want to be. I’m in a good spot in life, I still have my issues (we all do) but I’m starting respect me for me… I’m making games for a living, I’m close to starting my own studio and I’ve worked on some projects that would have made teenage me proud. But the path to this point was littered with work that I no longer feel proud of, misguided beliefs and mistakes made. They were all part of the journey on the way to finding myself…

Is it disingenious to wipe everything and start fresh? Not acknowledging the past? Not because of any deep sense of shame, but for the /aesthetic purity/? I feel like there is value in doing so, it allows us to move forward and focus on today. I do worry that to the people on the outside looking in, they might look at the curated snapshot of our lives and think that’s how thing have always been. It was something I struggled with for a while when observing people I looked up to.

I don’t really have an answer to the question but I felt that it was important to acknowledge for anyone who might be struggling with this.